gmail search poetry: things to which i have responded “shut up”

we are talking sexism, dude. not you

i am having an affair with a politician. it’s very crazy

but he would not stop talking DURING

i just saw a sign yesterday for a business called Total Tool

i am looking at intern apps. someone wrote this:
2008-Present, Restaurant Server
L’Italia Pizza and Pasta
Professionally and efficiently provide food service while enhancing cultural awareness in an authentically Italian environment

ummm, free whoopie pies with strawberries at dude city right now


6 notes

gmail search poetry: dbag edition

am i a dbag for liking ariel pink?

like i suppose it’s better to be a dbag who donates stuff to charity than a dbag who doesn’t. but you are still a MAJOR DBAG

i think there was some sort of dog whistle-type beacon that only dbags could hear, calling people to the 930 club.

fuck you. of course you are a dbag, with a dbag friend who drives a benz, because you work for the RIAA. fuck you.

the dbag is now awake and tweeting

shit like this makes me just want to stay home and listen to records and leave the progressive dbag dudes to edit themselves

tobey maguire = probs a dbag but i’d hit it

he’s on notice. not in the dbag column or anything yet

oh yeah. dbag city.

am i a hipster stereotype/dbag because i think these guys are hot? (lookatthisfuckinghipster w/ a drug rug on)

My dbag hypothesis was wrong.

9 notes

gmail search poetry: ladyparts edition*

the trick to pulling anything off is just plugging your vadge and strutting with style

love this PSA. it might as well say, “if her vadge is dry, you might be raping her!”

i need to distract my vagina til january.

the feminist dude response would be, “i can’t make you fuck me if you won’t” to the tune of the bonnie raitt jam. “i can’t maaaake your vadge do, somethin’ it won’t”

i have like every other general vagina-politics book ever published

Veni, Vidi, Vag: the [NAME REDACTED] Vagina Story

24K gold-plated vagina, WHAT?!

ok, freals, explain to me the marnie stern obsession. maybe it’s because i like to touch the penis and not the vadge, but i find her majorly annoying

gurl, is that a vagina symbol on your gchat??

in which we speculated on what would happen if [NAME REDACTED]’s vadge had its own gmail address. chat contacts: only people she’s effed.

"[NAME REDACTED]’s vagina is busy. you may be interrupting."

in my head i keep hearing foreigner’s “jukebox hero,” only with the words “vagina hero” replacing it.

I am excited to work on something that isn’t a crochet vagina

to quote my favorite movie of all time, i think my vagina has grown back together

knee deep in your spankbank right now. vagina deep actually

it all comes back to my vagina

oh my god my heart just exploded. or was that my vagina?

it was revealed last weekend that some of my besties BLOWDRY their ladycave

Yesterday I came out as a “problem masturbator”

i like that you said funkadelic vagina-fied.

that’s a no joke vagina

NO, john mayer, i do NOT want to put whiskey and smarties in my vagina.

the garage door to my vagina slowly closing.

How to ask for a raise: Step 1: Keep a nice, clean vagina. Step 2: Eat a light breakfast.

really, he was asking for advice on how to gain admission to your vagina

that song gets my vagina so revvved up

ok, i gotta run because i’m banging out a piece on the vagina vote.

slightly fem guys are the best, especially when they are licking your vagina and you are 100% convinced they are not gay. aka CONGRATS!

none of this “my vagina was my village” bullshit where eve ensler channels the world’s downtrodden vaginas

Selling Vaginas… the Feminist Way!

my vagina smells like it is tired all the time

yeah, i am so so so sick of swampvadge

seriously but we could make a KILLING marketing vagina blowdryers

i am so disappointed this isn’t coming from your vagina’s email address.

What is a vajaguar? And where can I get one?

i actually kind of like the idea of just making: Vagina! The Blog.

yeah, vagina-related wordplay is one of my treasured pastimes

* related to this.

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gmail search poetry: sans pants

did you see her pantsless appearance on the View?

the rolanda: home for wayward pantsless girls.

Can we agree that she needs to throw her fucking shoulders back and walk with some confidence if she is gonna wear no pants?

it’s either yoga pants or no pants up in this beast

and i sent that previous email to the wrong lindsay. so use this thread. re: movies and no pants

you are cordially invited to a pantsless dinner at my house. this will also involve drinking and ice cream.

i am already pantsless. #happiesthour

i am obviously super high, alone, pantsless.

all i wanna do is get pantsless and watch nancy meyers comedies

ok, gotta get these three fucking articles done so i can leave and join you in pantsless wonderland

beach house v. tom petty. it’s like choosing between sweatpants and no pants.

anyway, I salute you in your pantsless ways, I’m thinking of inaugurating bourbon and cardigan season

no pants, can’t sleep in jean shorts

fleetwood mac documentary highly recommended for some pantsless snacking/knitting time…

i’m pantsless right now, aka really on my game

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gmail search poetry: crimes and misdemeanors

its like a frat house that has a more open view of genocide

well, the sock garters aren’t his problem. it’s the mass murder that’s a real bonerkiller

i kind of love the ginger genocide song/video.

do you get genocide day off?

steal this meme

OMG! huffpo is trying to steal your twitter

i was the victim of cat assault yesterday. my ankle is swollen and i can barely walk. HATE CRIME


using a sandwich for evil = the most unsavory crime

i’m hitting joplin and will steal my sisters car to go thrift crazy

that blazer is a fashion genocide. crushed velvet = a problem from hell

What kind of cheesy, Hypnotiq-grade club liquor did Chuck steal from the bar before the funeral?

her roommate didn’t steal denim, she sold mary kay. which is almost as bad

like, if i could steal anyone’s hair color, it would be yours

Re: Cat Reported To Police For Underwear Theft

dudes are on trial. for the crime of NOT EFFING ME.

0 notes

Gmail Search Poetry: The Lindsay Wood Story


Sadly, there was only one search result for this:

Getting Dickslapped in Southeast: The Lindsay Wood Story

(Thank you for inspiring this post theme, Ann.)

hey, i do what i can.

UPDATE: found in my gmail: “dick jokes and boner jamz: the ann friedman story”. obvs.

2 notes

gmail search poetry: the hipster*

Has the hipster barber thing moved to DC?

i want to start a new SF blog called, “did i fuck that hipster?”

His wardrobe is on the cusp of nerd/hipster, and I totally came down on the nerd side. Turns out:wrong.

(but she’s so hipster she identifies as “alt”)

ok seriously, not to brag you guys, but do i know how to make an aging hipster feel insecure or what?

the thing is, he is invisibilizing blipsters. to him, hipster douche and black ppl are categories that don’t intersect!

woooo hipster sexism

She’s a full-on robot/hipster seductress

I also do not read Hipster Runoff, though you know I always ride the Chillwave.

because he is like a level 8 hipster

i have totally had shy hipster boys do that to me. but one time one dude was like, “i can probably put it in the trunk of the cab?”

i forget who described YACHT as hipster church music??

probs hipster-douchey, but fun to dance to. lots of dudes in spandex.

we had fun, got really drunk. randomly hopped in a stretch limo to go to a hipster art party. people were totes thrilled when we pulled up. not.

i also called it. w/r/t the hipster snuggie

zombie! eating cute hipster boys’ brains left and right, spitting up bile on her onesie, DISASTER!

wait wait! gay hipster tweets will save you!

why is hipster sex unsatisfying

everybody is somebody’s hipster. the trick is to not be the internet’s hipster. or brooklyn’s hipster. good god.

12 is too young to cultivate a hipster aesthetic

you may be a retired hipster, but not a retired hipster-fucker

brooklyn is home to a particularly virulent strain of the disease, casually known as “hipster herpes.”

i bet my hipster mom aunt loves this show

* inspired by

2 notes

Fancy Book Learning: gmail search poetry: the shit out of

i watch the shit out of that show

wearing my shell and loving the shit out of it

Sorry to sound ridiculous but I will love the shit out of this movie forever.

i mean i had to edit the shit out of it, but still

listen, you peacock the shit out of this day.

thrift the shit out of that

conservatives here “international” and “Women” together and hear “excuse to bomb the shit out of some muslims”

all the stupid blogs had spoiler-ed the shit out of everything down to the outfits

paraphrase the shit out of other people; make it look original

i just burnt the shit out of this quiche

Please kindly “edit the shit” out of this lil bugger.

dude, heavy hand the shit out of me

we are going to snark the shit out of it

i ate the shit out of some custard and curds, of course

dude, in between you should eat the SHIT out of some happy joe’s meatless taco pizza

if i had a daughter, and someone called her princess, it would take everything i had to not slap the shit out of them

i did the shit out of glamour shots


 I’ll scratch the shit out of ya.

I will eat the shit out of anything with cabbage in it.

If they don’t exploit the shit out of that d.b. I will be extremely disappointed.

I’ll wear the shit out of that outfit.

I’d eat the shit out of some cheesy blasters.

Kids still annoy the shit out of me.

I’m going to Colonial Girl the shit out of Purim.

Oh, I fucking remember the shit out of “Swallowed”

I’m gonna hug the shit out of you.

And I plan to eat the shit out of some Taco John’s while I’m in MO.

And someone was crop dusting the shit out of us at the Glasvegas show


we need to have someone not familiar fuck the shit out of you and move on

interview the shit out of them

Must be fun to be a riot cop, because you have the opportunity to ‘beat the shit out of any type of person u h8.’ This bro seems to h8 women.

i have been stalking the shit out of them all…

(Source: aminatou)

2 notes

gmail search poetry: things that have killed my boner

Watch Joseph Gordon-Levitt Sing ‘(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman’
sketch comedy
people in embarrassing pants gazing into each others’ eyes at sunset
mass murder
shaun white, smizing
a white suit with “om” symbols on the lapels
he does wear horrible eye makeup and make really bad music
Misspelling? Check. Bad design? Check. Hyperbole? Check.
all the little kids running around screaming
when sart is in rio

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gmail search poetry: things we do in our underwear

blow this joint and watch jersey shore
wake up to roommates banging on the door
eat farmer’s market tomatoes with a breeze coming through the window
work from home
drink beer while finishing some work stuff
watch 30 rock
hang out with a bunch of ladies
scrawl weird notes
do yoga and drink tea
eat brownies in bed
rock out to some bowie

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